2010!

yea so mom aint lettin me do Archaeology, she wants me to be a doc or sumthin like that... shes pathetic, and so is the rest of my family, here i am, 3 hours left to 2010 and im sulky, depressed and just wanna fall down and sink into earth. they dont know how it feels to be pushed around, people telling me whats right for me. thats wrong. they are telling me what they THINK is right for me. but its not right for me. i have 2 months left to decide my future and my mother has managed to train wreck the situation. theres a 98% chance i will give in to her whims and fancies. cause A)I just cant afford it
B)everyones on her side
C)there are no universities which actually have archaeology as subject in India

thats it. i wanna kill myself, thats my first option
my second option is to go ahead with my plan not really giving much importance to what the woman is saying. no one knows how clueless i am right now. she keeps bringing back prospectus' of Colleges and Universities which puke MBBS and BDS. so this i how my NEW YEAR is starting off...interesting :)

White Flag

Im done. done with dreams and fantasies. its not for me. from where i come, they want me to become what they wish i would become. i tried. i fought. its over. i give up. good bye

Comparison makes me sick

im tired of being compared with the rest of the world..i wanna be myself, face the fact bitch...i do things my way,and my way only, thats all that i could possily handle an if you dont like it, then thats your problem.

fixing things, fixing life

yea been working on my room, made it easily accessible, it was a pig sty before, now its pretty much sorted out and my study table actually looks like a study table now. been doing well with my studies and i actually put my CDs in a folder now lol it used to just lie around like shit. got to chat with pri like ages later an she told me about this book called "the vampire is just not that into you" lol i sooo have to check it out! i have always had this weird mad attraction for vampys >:) so yea busy fixing myself up, got a few months before the real shit starts :)

back to my room

haha yea well after i broke my leg, mum insisted i slept with her since i could get her [psst] so yea now since my leg is fine and i just have one day left to enjoy my freedom, im back to my room...listenin to Cinema Bizarre at 2 am in the morning, have Alfie boy with me [cat] and i feel like i have walked back to my wonderland of dreams and happiness, my very own place to be myself. happy to be back XD

standing in a crowd but im all alone

have yOu ever felt that way before? its like yOur not getting yOur message across? yOur standing there talking to people trying to make sense but our thoughts and theirs just dosent get along? it dosent really come close to understanding? thats what i feel like most of the time. i feel i have this person inside of me bursting to come out. its calling out to just break open the locks which are binding it down inside me, not letting it breathe. i feel it has a purpose and it cannot accomplish it coz i cant seem to find the key to releasing it.
Maybe its just in my mind, but sometimes its so surreal, like its happening; i want it to come out. im begging it to come out and release me from all the pain im in and it calls out to me asking me to find the key to unlock its chains. the "IT" is obviously the inner me or i can also call it the "real" me. the real me wants to come out but it has to stay in coz its afraid, afraid of being hurt, afraid people want to just hate it and insult it and mock it. its afraid it will never blend in. but i think there is surely a time in the near future when i will find this "key" and i will become what i was really meant to be.

FAKE!!!

ok so what if i tell yOu the guy you dated for almost 3 months, sharing and loving the guy, telling him almost everything about yOu and yOur fuckin life ends up to be a fake...infact, not just a fake but the he is actually a SHE??!!! yea it happened to me, i mean i never really liked the guy much, he was a sissy and me and pri used to call him a giant vagina; but its quite pathetic..wait, its completely fuckin pathetic!!! aaaarrrrghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuckin bitch! i cannot believe i actually dated a girl not knowing shes a girl. the lil bitch; i would like to meet her and then push her into a tea patch ( pri knows what i mean). we confronted him yesterday after pri found out another guy had the same pics and we were sure the other guy was the real deal. we asked the bitch to make a sign but he was all hesitation and guilt. it took us almost 2 hours to make him or shall i say her to admit it... i hate girls at this point in my life.

random

its been almost 2 months since i came on this thing and made an update...a lot has happened..my grandad died, the fuckface from college treats me like shit again, my exams were on and i broke my ankle! yep as clumsy as i could possibly get; the crack noise my leg made was the scariest. not like i havent broken my leg before, but this one was real hell! it happened in the top floor of my house so i had to hop down with a creaking leg. got a cast on now and getting the royal treatment at home so yaayyyy!

Judgement Day

theres a point in everyones life when you say ENOUGH! i could take insults for years but i needed to tell someone how i felt. it was aching inside there; i have mentioned earlier about this guy i liked who used to hide from me. he kept making it worse day by day. now they used to comment on me. it got so fucking annoying! i just had to give him a piece of my mind; and i did! and it felt so good! even though i am totally into him, i cant help the fact that he hates me and that he just cant stand me...thats his loss. so yea i will never forget yesterday. coz yesterday was the day i insulted GV. and he would never insult someone again, hopefully.

an exciting day tmrw

its going to be amazing tomorrow!!! well, not that amazing but ah well nuthin can be better than NOT sitting in college and feeling miserable...its Talent's day so gotta sit my ass down and watch my fellow losers contest with their remarkable talents. yea, nuthin can be better than sipping on gatorade while laughing at all of the geeks trying hard to dance and sing some old backstreet boy song. now im not trying to sound like a jock, but in my college i might as well be the jock, i mean, someone's gotta take the stand to be jock right? anyway i gotta buy my wireless headset for my phone, been dying to buy that, and been studyin hard..gotta work for that seat! aww neat! looks like my mom is gonna leave home to check on some patient..thats the tough part of being a doc; i mean its mid night and you gotta leave all yOur comforts and just rush to see some lady who thinks shes in labour :P i aint running down that path :)) anyWay im off now, gotta study..*mwah*

Pessimist???

yea..well i am one. i admit it. and i can be the most paranoid person on earth. i can feel weird about everything, and start questioning everyone's actions in my mind. its kinda creepy, but in a odd way..completely right. im not making this up, its true. i just can figure it out lookin at the person, the way they behave, even the slightest smirk can just bring out a zillion questions in my mind. hmm anyWay, im watchin the ManU Vs. Arsenal match. wtf is wrong with ManU. We play like A bunch of morons on the field! Ronaldo was a huge part of the team and now that he's gone, its literally falling apart. no offence to the team, we have some wonderfully talented and much higher ranked playErs in the team, but it kinda feels like there is no spark left in the team. we are doing well, but not well enough. ah fine im off now, tc adios amigos XOXO

Missing the one person i treasured the most

Im in college right now sitting amidst people who are talking no sense, have been busy tryin to fit in and have just given up..right now my mind is idle, music playing in my ears, feeling lonely and missing my dad. Yep, it happened a yr and a half back, and i still feel that maybe i could have tried harder to save him..the
truth is i dint try at all. His drinking made him weak..he couldnt take that head injury, his body just couldnt! And i wasnt even there when he was dying, lying there all alone in a coma..miles away from us..mom asked me if i would wanna see him but
i chickened out as usual..somethin im very talented at. I should have gone. And how i wish that i could just hug him one last time and tell him he was the best daddy. I
would never have let him go. Why me? I keep asking myself but no one seems to know the answer. I guess i never will know. I miss him everyday. And if there
ever was a heaven (which im quite sure does not exist) i would want him to
look down on me and be proud of me no matter what.

living here is a living hell

since a couple of years now, i have been struggling with what society has had to offer me...from being called a skank, to being ditched by all my besties, to being called a drug addict(which i am not!). this is it. here it ends. this is where i put a stop to it. coz if people can't accept me for who i am(i.e., a good person, who no one understands anyway) then i guess all i can say is FUCK YOU! coz i have been treated life camel dung for long enough, i have done nothing to deserve such bullshit And i want this to end right now! since 2 years now, i have been able to sit home and think over where i went wrong, bad company, not thinking much about how my actions would affect my family. now i could change things; my 2 besties Pri and Nil are everything to me, and yes! i can trust them, coz i know them well enough to trust them with my soul. since i lost my father, i feel i should always think before i do something stupid or even smart. things have taken over my life now, apart from nil nd pri,Music is my next best thing. my diary knows my life, and being myself couldnt get any better. this place i live in is nothing to me. nothing. i am me. face it or just live with it. i feel alive now. i can breathe. i have a dream. and im going to get it.

i could love/hate life right now

all is well in life since a couple o days. been sick for a week with flu so havent been attending college. the thing about life is we just wake up go around do our things and at the end of the day come back and feel as miserable as we did when we woke up. but sometimes when we have our "alone time" we can actually sort out our brains. figure out why things are working out so well and why somethings just about dont work. thats what i had for these few amazing days. i just watched time pass listenin to All Time Low munching on junk and annoying mum. right now im struggling with punctuations since the fuckin laptop keyboard is being retarded but oh well...in these few days i got to chat with my bestie pri(who i absolutely love and adore) and my fav guy arda is back after i dont know how long of just running away from facebook. did a little research on which university i want to do my undergrad in and im feeling extremely lucky to have known a couple of people. i love being me right now!

Boys are full of shit...

basically, i have had this crap treatment since the very beginning...never been able to have a good relationship with a boy. nature's way of keeping things right i guess. my first boyfriend was a Loser with a capital "L". i could never forget our first date, which sucked so bad! my second boyfriend, this ugly fuck who i fell so hard for, was playin aroundwif other girls behind my back (can you believe his gutts??). yea, well i foun out and it was this whole movie scene. a bad movie scene. the next one, well i dint really understand much of what he said. the last one was just after sex which he failed to get after 3 months of relationship( he's gettin some from my so called bestie now).the guy i currently found to be pretty cute just got all excited and now everytime i walk past his stupid face, just jumps into class like some kind of a giant vagina-like being; now i could just call this a series of wrong choices. or i could just conclude to say that every guy i meet just isnt right, or maybe somethings horribly wrong with me! or maybe its just a way of knowing that these wrong relationships will make me wait for that one person who mite just bump into me on the middle of a busy day and ask me if he could buy me a cup of coffee.